My mom is great. She's this tiny little woman with the biggest heart ever.

I recently found out that she sometimes checks out my weblog. So, I want her to read this:

Mami linda:

Yo sé que estás pasando por un momento muy difícil. Para todos es muy doloroso ver a Coki tan mal, y a Tita. Pero nadie puede sufrir tanto como lo haces tú: son tus papás, y sentis que se alejan más y más de ti. De todos.

Quiero que sepas que no estás sola. Todos estamos a tu lado, siempre a tu lado. Lamentablemente, no está en nuestras manos lo que pasa, lo que ha pasado, lo que pasará...no podemos controlarlo y muy a nuestro pesar, debemos aceptarlo.

Tarde o temprano todos partimos...la vida es tan impredecible que nunca se tiene nada asegurado. Llegan tanto sorpresas bellas como duras, y eso nadie puede evitarlo ni impulsarlo. Coki ha vivido una vida plena, con mucho orgullo puedo decir que lo hemos llenado de amor y de alegría, y no debe de tener arrepentimiento alguno.

Tenemos que tener esperanza, la energía positiva atrae bendiciones, no perdamos la fe en que Coki va a sufrir menos, sea como sea. Esperemos que encuentre la paz, en vida o no en vida, aunque para nosotros sea tan difícil. Él se merece eso y mucho más.

To anyone reading this now or later, embrace life.

That's all.

I'm back. That, after a really long trip. Flight delays, lost connecting flight, over night stay, lost baggage...but I'm here after all. And I can't even describe how good it feels, and how much it hurts, at the same time.

Not only was it hard leaving Madrid and all it represented, but what a crashing feeling facing reality is. It really is.

When I arrived at the "La Aurora" International Airport in Guatemala city the first person I saw was my grandfather: Coki. I don't think I have ever mentioned him, but he's no other than the kindest man alive. He's wonderful, in every sense of the word. He's great. He's sweet. He's generous. He's sick. Very sick.

Almost a year ago he was diagnosed as a cancer victim. That terrible sickness was making him lose appetite, the sense of taste, patience...he was different: and that was the explanation.

I was living abroad and he asked that I remained ignorant of his situation. He had surgery: half his tongue was gone along with too many other things...(he couldn't eat, he couldn't speak, he couldn't sleep, he couldn't forget he was sick for one single moment because of the terrible sorrow...) he started radiotherapy and the pain got to be exhausting- he could barely stand it and still managed to keep his spirit alive, with the hope that he would get better soon.

He was incredibly brave, he proved his faith and went through the whole treatment. He started to get better. He could actually talk better and started eating some sort of solid food. He put on some weight. He was getting better!!!

But then it stopped- no one understands how, but the cancer was back and Coki was no longer willing to go either through surgery or radiotherapy, which is entirely understandable, but still hard to accept. We had to.

Tomorrow is a big day: he's trying out the third and last option: a new drug that might relieve him from his unbearable pain. We all hope with all our hearts that it works, and if saving him from the disease is asking too much (but we still do anyway), we pray it keeps him from his terrible suffering.

He has lived as an amazingly kind man, he has truly made the best out of everything that has ever come to him...he deserves a better life quality!

Also for Tita. My grandmother is also a woman-hero. And she has stood by him through everything, of course, but it's incredibly hard for her seeing the love of her life reduced to a tiny shadow that is able to do nothing but feel pain.

Personally, this is even hard to believe. I haven't been able to accept it yet. My good friend Heida always says to me that I must learn to accept things, but in this case, it means accepting a reality that I just can't...I've tried to be strong, but I feel so helpless and for most of the time they've been living this nightmare I haven't been around. I don't want to feel guilty because if there's something I know is that Coki would feel even worse if I -or any of us- gave up to anything to be with him. It's not guilt, but it's still a horrible sense of absence...now I'm here, but things have gotten so bad there's not much I can do to help.

I just wish things could be different, I wish I could -we could- have our old Coki back, the one who was never quiet and had always something smart and profound to say...the one who was always busy doing stuff for other people: he was the strength, the hope-carrier, the love-messenger, the light. And our old Ticuquish, always busy, always with so much to say, always smiling and busy being the sweetest lady in the world.

They truly deserve better than this- this is the kind of moment where you can't settle for those cheap "philosophical" sayings like "everything happens for a reason", "God knows what He's doing"...I mean, really? NO, NOT REALLY. Not everything happens for a reason because there's not one good reason for Coki to be in so much pain and there's no "God's plan" in his disease and all it has brought with it.