I've decided I'm going to post in spanish more often. After all, it is my first language.

The following post is about the meaning of my first name and why it was chosen for me. I hope you like it!

Mi nombre, Rocío del Carmen
Yo, al igual que la mayoría de las personas guatemaltecas, no cuento con un solo primer nombre, sino con dos. Rocío del Carmen, al igual que mi mamá- tenemos las mismas iniciales, razón por la cual me ha nombrado heredera oficial de su Rolex, jaja. Una ventaja adicional, porque de por sí, me encanta el nombre. Creo que tomó una buena decisión.

El significado del nombre Rocío es “la que tiene gracia” o “lágrima de flor”. Su origen es latino, y su historia se remonta a la región de Andalucía, al sur de España. Nace en referencia al santuario de la Virgen del Rocío (“la blanca paloma”), en Huelva, a donde todos los años acuden cientos de miles de “romeros” en carretas adornadas o a caballo para adorarla.

Rocío siempre me ha parecido un nombre natural, cristalino, y referente a algo un tanto difícil de atrapar, que es precisamente como me siento yo, ni de acá ni de allá. El rocío es algo bello pero efímero. A pesar de ello, cuán diferentes serían las mañanas sin rocío…

Mi “segundo primer nombre” Carmen en latín es “canto” o “poema”, pero en realidad surge del término hebreo Karm-el: “Viña de Dios”. En mi caso, hace referencia a la Madre de Cristo, la Virgen del Carmen (mi nombre no es Rocío-Carmen, sino Rocío-del-Carmen), la patrona de los marineros. Es conocido que los pescadores del norte de España sienten una especial devoción hacia ella, pues los libra de aguas embravecidas. Es uno de los nombres femeninos más usados en España.

La razón por la que mi mamá decidió darme este nombre es muy poco novelesca; es curioso, porque yo soy la segunda hija mujer. Mi hermana mayor se llama Karen María, y yo, la segunda, llevo el nombre de mi mamá. Ella me cuenta que al tener a mi hermana y darle nombre muchas personas le preguntaban porqué no la había nombrado Rocío del Carmen; le llegaron a preguntar tanto, que ella decidió desde aquel momento que si tenía otra hija mujer, la nombraría así. ¡A mi mamá ni siquiera le gusta nuestro nombre!

Entonces, le pregunté a mi abuelita por nuestro nombre. Ella me contó que cuando era muy joven tenía una amiga mayor con dos hijas: Flor de María y Rocío. Ella se quedó encantada por el segundo nombre y desde allí decidió que si tenía una hija mujer algún día la nombraría así. El “del Carmen” se lo agregó luego, considerándolo el complemento perfecto, no sólo fonéticamente, sino también para que así contara con la protección de dos Vírgenes de su devoción. Su historia es mucho mejor…jaja

It's so interesting finding out where we got our names from, it's such an ordinary thing, and still so few ever bother to ask...

My mom is great. She's this tiny little woman with the biggest heart ever.

I recently found out that she sometimes checks out my weblog. So, I want her to read this:

Mami linda:

Yo sé que estás pasando por un momento muy difícil. Para todos es muy doloroso ver a Coki tan mal, y a Tita. Pero nadie puede sufrir tanto como lo haces tú: son tus papás, y sentis que se alejan más y más de ti. De todos.

Quiero que sepas que no estás sola. Todos estamos a tu lado, siempre a tu lado. Lamentablemente, no está en nuestras manos lo que pasa, lo que ha pasado, lo que pasará...no podemos controlarlo y muy a nuestro pesar, debemos aceptarlo.

Tarde o temprano todos partimos...la vida es tan impredecible que nunca se tiene nada asegurado. Llegan tanto sorpresas bellas como duras, y eso nadie puede evitarlo ni impulsarlo. Coki ha vivido una vida plena, con mucho orgullo puedo decir que lo hemos llenado de amor y de alegría, y no debe de tener arrepentimiento alguno.

Tenemos que tener esperanza, la energía positiva atrae bendiciones, no perdamos la fe en que Coki va a sufrir menos, sea como sea. Esperemos que encuentre la paz, en vida o no en vida, aunque para nosotros sea tan difícil. Él se merece eso y mucho más.

To anyone reading this now or later, embrace life.

That's all.

I'm back. That, after a really long trip. Flight delays, lost connecting flight, over night stay, lost baggage...but I'm here after all. And I can't even describe how good it feels, and how much it hurts, at the same time.

Not only was it hard leaving Madrid and all it represented, but what a crashing feeling facing reality is. It really is.

When I arrived at the "La Aurora" International Airport in Guatemala city the first person I saw was my grandfather: Coki. I don't think I have ever mentioned him, but he's no other than the kindest man alive. He's wonderful, in every sense of the word. He's great. He's sweet. He's generous. He's sick. Very sick.

Almost a year ago he was diagnosed as a cancer victim. That terrible sickness was making him lose appetite, the sense of taste, patience...he was different: and that was the explanation.

I was living abroad and he asked that I remained ignorant of his situation. He had surgery: half his tongue was gone along with too many other things...(he couldn't eat, he couldn't speak, he couldn't sleep, he couldn't forget he was sick for one single moment because of the terrible sorrow...) he started radiotherapy and the pain got to be exhausting- he could barely stand it and still managed to keep his spirit alive, with the hope that he would get better soon.

He was incredibly brave, he proved his faith and went through the whole treatment. He started to get better. He could actually talk better and started eating some sort of solid food. He put on some weight. He was getting better!!!

But then it stopped- no one understands how, but the cancer was back and Coki was no longer willing to go either through surgery or radiotherapy, which is entirely understandable, but still hard to accept. We had to.

Tomorrow is a big day: he's trying out the third and last option: a new drug that might relieve him from his unbearable pain. We all hope with all our hearts that it works, and if saving him from the disease is asking too much (but we still do anyway), we pray it keeps him from his terrible suffering.

He has lived as an amazingly kind man, he has truly made the best out of everything that has ever come to him...he deserves a better life quality!

Also for Tita. My grandmother is also a woman-hero. And she has stood by him through everything, of course, but it's incredibly hard for her seeing the love of her life reduced to a tiny shadow that is able to do nothing but feel pain.

Personally, this is even hard to believe. I haven't been able to accept it yet. My good friend Heida always says to me that I must learn to accept things, but in this case, it means accepting a reality that I just can't...I've tried to be strong, but I feel so helpless and for most of the time they've been living this nightmare I haven't been around. I don't want to feel guilty because if there's something I know is that Coki would feel even worse if I -or any of us- gave up to anything to be with him. It's not guilt, but it's still a horrible sense of absence...now I'm here, but things have gotten so bad there's not much I can do to help.

I just wish things could be different, I wish I could -we could- have our old Coki back, the one who was never quiet and had always something smart and profound to say...the one who was always busy doing stuff for other people: he was the strength, the hope-carrier, the love-messenger, the light. And our old Ticuquish, always busy, always with so much to say, always smiling and busy being the sweetest lady in the world.

They truly deserve better than this- this is the kind of moment where you can't settle for those cheap "philosophical" sayings like "everything happens for a reason", "God knows what He's doing"...I mean, really? NO, NOT REALLY. Not everything happens for a reason because there's not one good reason for Coki to be in so much pain and there's no "God's plan" in his disease and all it has brought with it.

A page in my life is about to turn.

About a year ago, I moved to Madrid. Being from Guatemala, it makes a huge difference. Before then, I had never been to Spain. Everything was new and unknown.

A year has gone by, and I have barely felt it. There have been tough times, but I can definitely say that it has been a great experience. What an opportunity!!!

Max, my boyfriend, lives in Madrid. This has been the first time in our four year old relationship- that we have been able to live in the same city. Leaving him is going to be so hard...specially now that I've gotten used to seeing him all the time, but our relationship has grown stronger and I'm sure we'll be ok. Uga Uga baby!!!

Ivanna aka "Ivis" has made it easier too. She is my roommate and good friend. She's also guatemalan and probably one of the nicest girls ever. She's understanding and patient, you can talk to her about anything, she's always listening and speaking her true mind. I love her!

Alice has been a huge blessing as well. She's french and a true character. She's cunning and sincere, and she's up for anything. We have a great connection. I'll miss her, but we'll be family one day...so...it's not so sad (lol). I love her too!!!

Gaia...what a special girl. She's italian but lives for Africa. I'm sure she's going to achieve great things in life. You go girl!!!

Hannes!!! Hannes...Hannes is german. He's very particular. I love him! He's very responsible and studies all the time, but as soon as the sun sets...it's party time!!! He's been a very good friend both to Ivanna and me, and I will miss him a lot.

Inash! Mijo!!! Inash! I will miss my Inash a lot...he's a great friend and I just love him. His attitude, his spirit, his personality. I will miss him a lot, but he's also guatemalan. So...we'll be together again soon.

There's a lot of people that have made this experience as wonderful as it has been. I am sooooo thankful!!! I had a great time and I grew up hips. I feel right in my own skin now. I am as ready as I can be to go back.

Today I met a romanian lady- she has been in Spain for over 2 years and without taking a single language course, she speaks pretty good spanish. Impressive, I know.

We didn't talk much. And I like to talk- but she was busy working and it was pretty obvious that talking about Romania hurt her. All she told me was: I miss my mom. I want to see her, but I can't go back. I have no papers. To go through the borders I need a lot of money I don't have. Life is hard. Life is very hard. We suffer.

And that was it. She didn't speak another word. It almost seemed like she was mad at me.

I felt really sad for her. It must be hard... also, I can't stop thinking about her "WE"... who are those "we"? her family? Roanians? Immigrants?

Sometimes it hits me. We all suffer. We all do, in our own ways. But some ways seem so much tougher... it's so unfair...

Amazingly enough, crime keeps on rising in my beloved Guate.

The other day I read somewhere that there have been at least 300,200 public transportation assaults this year. 300,200!!!??? Unbelievable.

I've been aware of the serious security problem the public
transportation in Guatemala has for a long time. I mean, I've lived
there most of my life and have used it only twice and in very "secure" (if that word has any meaning what so ever) districts, for very short distances. And even then, I felt scared.

I can't stop thinking about the guatemalan people that HAVE TO use public buses everyday. Most of the people, don't have a choice: they have to take the "camionetas" to get to work, to go to study, to get back home. It must be awful having to expose your own security -even your own life- everyday, and even worse for those who have to travel with children, being forced to expose them too.

What kind of world are we guatemalans living in? With women being raped, people's heads strolling on the floor, children being stolen and everyone being oppressed, robbed and even killed EVERYDAY on PUBLIC BUSES!!!!!!!!??????????

Where's this people's freedom then? Who protects them? Who takes responsibility for what happens to them everyday at least 200 hundred times (!?!?!?!?!?!?)? NO ONE. They're completely defenseless. It seems untrue, but it's pure-hard-everyday-guatemalan reality. At least for most of the guatemalan people.

What do we do? Nothing. Or at least not enough. I don't have any answers, but I know that we urgently need to wake up: (shouting) WAKE UP GUATEMALA!!! Ignoring the fact that our situation has gone far off limits does us no good. That's a proven fact. Now...let's start by talking. Let's open our eyes and ears, let's raise our voices, let's start caring about the people around us.

No one ever got anything without demanding for it. Or at least not in Guatemala.

I don't know why life is unfair. But I know that it is. Very unfair.

You are a wonderful woman. You've had a tough life and you've made it through everything that has stood on your way, no matter how hard it has been. Your strength amazes me.

I know you were happy. I know you had a lot of hopes built up and spent time daydreaming...and I also know how much you deserved to feel that way and how long ago you hadn't.

I can't say I understand how you feel. It must be so hard.

I feel your pain, it's hurting me too. Lu...I'm so sorry.

But I want you to be happy. I want your life to be simply wonderful. That's the least you deserve, and we will never stop hoping and fighting for it. You will never be alone.

You're in a very important period of your life: a lot of things will change very soon... there's so much to look forward to! It will be great, no doubt. I will always be by your side.

It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power. Alan Cohen

I've been feeling like s**t lately. I've had a lot of free time, and while that's good, I've been thinking too much. Yes. Too much.

I'm sick of reading everyday tragic news about hundreds of people dying all over the world. Why is that? I don't know, I don't understand, I don't think anyone does.

Problems. They pop out everywhere...or perhaps they've always been there. I wonder if peace is ever actually going to happen. Is conflict a normal human-status? Does that not change with "our development"?

There's so much beauty in human nature... how can we be such kind beings and such monsters at the same time???

Amazingly enough, the "war" in Irak is still not over. Nor will it be any time soon. Irak is in chaos, a chaos that's gotten a lot worse with the UK and US occupation, but that was there long before. Internal conflicts and a violent past. I often think about the people of Irak. It's so unfair. What have they even known? What will they ever get the chance to know? Those who survive this bloodshed will probably be filled with resentment. Who can blame them? But at the same time, this leads us to a vicious circle. This is never going to stop, unless we forget. But is that a possibility? Who knows.

Africa's situation gets worse everyday. The problems there can't even be described. It's a mixture of everything... poverty, corruption, power abuse, religion conflicts, cruel diseases, tribe conflicts, progressive lack natural resources, isolation, discrimination...the list could go on and I don't even know much about anything.

My beloved Latin America... so mistreated. Ever since we were "built" by europeans, we've been corrupt, selfish, discriminating... it doesn't seem to stop. Human traffic is a common bussiness: there's not enough being done to fight it(how strange). Specially Central America is threaten by organized crime and drug traffic keeps empowering. I almost lost it when in the economist I found one of the largest "maras" the mara 18 had a web site. HOW CAN THIS BE POSSIBLE? I had to cry. Only the thought of those criminals being a literal network that keeps expanding and reading their chat rooms and guest book gave me the creeps, it's awful. Something MUST be done soon, strong measures. That's what this madness needs.

The conflict in the Middle East grows by the hour. The Palestinian-Israeli conflict doesn't seem to find it's solution, and Islam Fundamentalism keeps expanding. Ahmadineyad's aggressive attitude puts his whole country in danger, manipulating masses like ship. The world has seen that the US has enough power to do basically anything, not even the UN can do much about that, so, he should probably be careful.

Asia has a lot of problems as well. Repression in China, and lot of poverty, discrimination, prostitution and child explosion in practically every country.

And racism is still a big problem, in the XXI century!!! Neonazis, White pride groups... WTF?

I'm sorry if I'm a bit exalted today. I'm just amazed by the attitudes that we, rational human beings, are capable of having and dare to defend.

When did life and coexistence get to be so complicated? Has it always been like this?

Take a quick look to the photo galleries I've created so far!