14
Nov
2008

I don't care what you say. I'm gonna be a horse when I grow up.

“Maturity is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists, unless laughter can be said to remedy anything.”

Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. quotes (American Writer, b.1922)



Disappointment
is defined as "the feeling of dissatisfaction that follows the failure of expectations to manifest" according to wikipedia. And tonight, under a beautiful-round-yellow-full-moon (probably looking the most beautiful i've ever seen it)that's exactly how I feel. Disappointed.

I realise I'm a very lucky person. There's not nearly enough reasons for me to be sad or feel bad about in my life. I'll confess I feel very selfish and guilty when I'm feeling down because I know there's so much pain and suffering -the real kind- going on in the world that I feel like I don't deserve a single tear and end up feeling stupid.

Still. I'm a small little person with the weight of her own world on her shoulders, and tonight it feels heavy. I'm getting older. Age has brought me many wonderful things...time has gone through me, leaving me with many lessons learned...and even though I have the certainty I'll always be too naive to know as much as I could, I've earned some knowledge through this twenty-four years...and I can say that knowledge, as much as it sets me free, it makes me ache. Sometimes I wish I knew a little less, I wish I'd seen a little less, I wish I'd heard a little less...

But tonight isn't about the world and how we need to fix it and so much of the work isn't getting done...I feel disappointed about that everyday. Tonight is all about me (old-selfish me). I'm disappointed because I'm 24 years-old and need to grow up. I'm disappointed because I'm not doing a very good job.

I'm a grown-up who's holding on to her previous self. The reason is clear: being a kid is so much easier, not to mention funner; you get to believe you'll get what you give; you think being in love with two boys at the same time is -not only possible- but that it can actually turn out ok; you get to imagine you'll end up with that (very cruel if I may) pre-Shrek disney-world-created image of prince charming, who will not only give you what you ask for, but more, much more; you imagine you'll be -the one- able to fix the world; you actually believe your grandparents will see you graduate from high school, college, get married, have children...and you actually think that not only will they be there, but that they'll always be those caring and loving creatures, the sweetest you ever knew, forever; you believe all those you love will be around always, to celebrate with you your achievements and cry with you your loses, always by your side.

But the grown-up reality is a bit different: you should always give, but shouldn't hold your breath while waiting to receive in the same way (if you did you would probably suffocate); hearts get broken and frustration strikes over and over again; prince charming turns out to be an ordinary person with as much qualities as flaws (just like yourself); the world and its reality (realities) turn out to be far more complicated and messed-up than you could have ever imagined; your loved ones pass away, and before they do, they change...those who used to protect you and take care of you start to need your protection and care, as they start to crumble; people leave, forget, stop caring...they miss birthdays, graduations, funerals...and you find yourself alone, as you always were but never knew.

Yep...growing up is hard. Life is tough, but only as tough as you allow it to be. I need to learn to appreciate people as they are, seeing in them my own reflection, and maybe then I'll be able to take life as it is, while enjoying the ride. Stop expecting...start accepting. That would be a good start.

I always knew life was wonderful...I just had a different concept of what "wonderful" was. But I'll be ok, who says one can't adjust? I'll find magic in this new world of mine. I just need some time.
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