9
Mar
2009

"On a freeze-dried rose"

When I first met you I was in love.

I was in love, for the first time, and so was he.

I looked at you, looking at me, and we both smiled: the beginning of us. “Us”… it feels strange to say it, even today, but oh! How many times have I embraced the idea, the dream, the wish: (us)… in my heart.

That night, as I teasingly flirted with the thought of planting a rose seed right in the middle of my –already bloomed- self, I saw you again. It was then I inevitably kept your smell, as I started to miss your taste. It was then your touch was permanently engraved in my skin. I talked, you joked, we floated.

The night was soon over, and he came around. I wasn’t expecting him, and after a night with you, things were different. My heart trembled and questions stalked my sleep.

But you started to fade, while he stayed around. He was a good man.

I endured almost as much as I enjoyed the bitter-sweetness of your thought. You would come to me at the purest of moments: when my soul rejoiced, when it ached. I would wake up next to him after spending hours with you in my dreams.

I didn’t give up on us, but I wasn’t courageous enough to go after you. You were though. You did- you came to me, years after the floating and those eyes…you were the same, only you were ready. You reached out your hand for me to take and I felt full, I was happy. You and me, there we were, once again, floating. You were there, the good man wasn’t- but it was only temporary. We all knew that.

You had to move on; you were always the smartest one of all. I asked you to come back, you were going to but I hesitated- you turned away and left for good.

I couldn’t bear losing you…we had shared so little time together, but you were so close to me, you accompanied me day and night, and I just couldn’t do without you.

I kept trying to believe you were a dream, an idea created by myself. It was so easy to, you were so beautiful, almost too beautiful; you beared the wisdom of an old soul and had the heart of a poet. I could never cheat myself; you were real, you were there, always there, even when you didn’t know it.

I admit I tried to have it all, not out of greed, but out of fear- I kept you, and I had him (the good man) by my side.

He pretended not to know and when that was no longer possible, he pretended not to care. But he was as transparent as his watery eyes and could not hide the fear and the pain I caused him by my ever longing of you.

Time passed, so quickly, we all had to grow up. I could no longer keep you. You slowly but determinedly let go of my hand. I could not keep you. How hard I tried! But you always knew what was best; you searched for happiness, so did I. We (you) decided to part.

How I’ve missed you! I built a life with him, the good man. I’ve lived a good-long-life. I wonder if you know that, I wonder if you have too. I know you asked me to let go, as you did. I tried, you must believe me. You were always so smart. I know you were right. You were right, for you, for me, and him. But listen- I couldn’t.

You’ve been there, at the birth of my children, at the death of my father. You’ve cried and laughed with me, I never let you go, I’m sorry, I couldn’t. And now, the good man’s gone. He never left my side, until he was taken from it by a higher force. He made me happy, he really did. How hard he tried.

And I miss him; I do (so much). My sadness for having lost him is only eased by the hope of us.

Am I crazy? I haven’t heard from you in over thirty years (you completely stopped writing after the birth of Eve, my second). There hasn’t been a single day I haven’t loved you. From beginning to end.

It is only now, as the sun sets on my life, that I finally find the strength I’ve long longed for. And so I write you this heartfelt letter, not as an apology nor as an excuse, but as a confession of life-lasting love. And the tears that stain it are not tears of regret; they’re tears of feeling, a wordless emotion, and a rose unfreezing.

It’s taken me a lifetime, my lifetime, to take this step and for the first time ever, my hope is irreparably extinct. I’ve learned from your sister, the one I never got to meet, that you are gone. You have been gone for a long, long time.

How could I have not known you were gone? How? You have lived only in my mind, my heart, and soul, for the last thirty years. I should’ve known you were only temporarily borrowed- you were too good, you didn’t belong down here.

My heart is broken. After a lifetime of not having enough of myself, I am left with nothing. I am alone. And empty.

I always tried to do the right thing- I’ve achieved it not. I couldn’t make him happy, how could I have? I didn’t make you happy either. I wasn’t happy myself.

Last night I went to bed with no regrets, only wishes. Today, regret is all I have. And tonight, I shall go to bed with one wish only: not to ever wake.
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